Forever, and Never More
by 11impossiblethings
Summary: In which Kakashi realizes his feelings after the Fourth Shinobi World War - and how he'll never be able to act on them. KakaSaku.


" _They say we leave this world just the way we came into it - naked and alone. So, if we do leave with nothing, what, then, is the measure of a life? Is it defined by the people we choose to love? Or is life simply measured by our accomplishments? And what if we fail? Or are never truly loved? What then? Can we ever measure up? Or will the quiet desperation of a life gone wanting drive us mad?"_

* * *

Kakashi spat the remaining blood from his mouth onto the floor disgustedly. It hadn't even been nearly enough this time round. Again.

Dejected and more than a little bone-weary, he sighed, cursed inwardly and then started on his lonely trek back to Konoha.

 _How many more?_ He asked himself. _How many more till this would all end?_

/

"Tsunade-sama," Kakashi gave a deep bow. "The mission was successful and here is the retrieved scroll". He crossed the room to her table in 3 long strides and dropped the blood-stained scroll onto her table.

"Kakashi," Tsunade sighed distastefully at the blood stains now seeping in through the wood, before she raised her head to address the Jounin standing or rather, slouching in front of her.

She knew that something had clearly changed in him after the Fourth Shinobi World War. Although what exactly, she just couldn't put her finger on. He'd swept up nearly every A-, S- and Unranked mission since the war ended. She was sure he was already bordering nearly 30 of those missions since the War ended. Although the danger posed by these missions had been significantly lessened ever since the war ended, that didn't mean that the remaining missing-nin here and there didn't take the chance to stir some trouble in the aftermath of it all, and they were still working hard at cleaning up the messes from the World War. Moreover, in the Shinobi world, each mission posed its own risks - unranked or not.

She wanted to ask him exactly what was wrong with him - was it something to do with the war? Obviously, none of his close friends or Team 7 had perished in the War, so she knew it couldn't have been the guilt of losing yet another precious teammate. And even Sasuke had returned to Konoha. So what was it?

"Kakashi," she addressed again. "Good work, you were fast like usual."

He merely nodded, saying nothing in return.

"You deserve a break, Kakashi. How about you take a week off from missions? Also, Yamato could use some help with carrying out the plans to rebuild the damaged parts of the city." She smirked.

Kakashi finally looked directly at Tsunade's face and paused for a moment before answering, "I'm pretty sure Yamato has more than enough help here, Tsunade-sama. I believe I can help more on the outskirts where we're still clearing up the remnants of the War."

The corners of Tsunade's mouth tilted downward slightly in a frown. She knew he was right. But she also knew there was a reason behind him being so adamant about taking so many high ranked missions that would keep him away from the village for long periods of time at once. She sighed loudly this time and knew that if Hatake Kakashi had set his mind on something, little else could provide weight to sway his decision.

"Fine," she growled. "At least take 2 days off and come back on the morning of the third. I'm sure I'll have something for you. And you can hand me your mission report then."

"Yes, Tsunade-sama." He gave a second bow before he retreated out of the Hokage's office.

"And get Sakura to look you over for any wounds, Kakashi! I know you're not going to go to the hospital anyway!" Tsunade hollered at him as he exited through the door.

Letting out the sigh he didn't know he had been holding, he ran a hand through his hair and then rubbed lightly at his left eye before he remembered that the constant ache the Sharingan gave him was no longer there. He scoffed at himself, shaking his head at how old habits really died hard.

In his opinion, 2 days back in the village was far too long. If he could have it his way, he'd be picking up another mission scroll right this moment and setting off as soon as he stopped by the Jounin HQ and replenished his supplies.

He looked out the window from the Hokage Tower where he stood, taking in the image of the sun pelting down on the roofs of the houses that were undamaged in the War and thinking that it was far too bright for his current mood.

And no way in hell he was going to look for Sakura on his own accord. In fact, he desperately hoped he wouldn't run into Sakura. He wanted to be as far away from her as humanly possible, so that he could at least pretend that he was making progress at trying to forget the feelings that had bubbled up deep in the throes of the Fourth War.

/

 _When had it all started?_

That was something he had no answer for. Quite obviously, it had not been love at first sight.

But he couldn't pinpoint when she had started slowly creeping up and occupying a space in his heart either. Hell, he didn't even realize his affection for her was love until the moment she had pleaded one last time for Sasuke not to leave, in other words not to screw everything up and he had reciprocated with a fist to her chest and a genjutsu that would break most people. In that moment, an uncharacteristically fiery rage coursed through his entire being and for once he felt uncontrolled, dangerous and quite honestly, fucking angry. If he hadn't been so weak from previous battles he would have gotten up, strode over and given Sasuke a good old right hook to knock his pretty little face up.

In his opinion, that fucker sure as hell did not deserve Sakura. No matter how damaged he'd been from the demons of his past, or how he'd been changed or controlled by other power forces in play, he had no right to try and kill Sakura on multiple occasions. Oh yes, he was definitely pissed at Sasuke, without a doubt. But he was also angry at Sakura. Angry that she was so damned kind. That after all Sasuke had done to her, to them, to Konoha, she still loved him like she loved him since she was 12. If possible, maybe even more. Why did she still love someone who said unkind words to her and tried to kill her, twice for that matter? Why did she still love him and marry him? How could she still love him?

But most of all, he was pissed at himself. What right did he have to question Sakura and her love for Sasuke? What right did he have to fall in love with something so pure and kind? And why the fuck did he have to fall in love with Sakura of all people? It couldn't have been worse. Even falling in love with Anko would be less complicated, without a doubt.

Truth be told, he'd never loved a woman in a romantic way before. Not even Rin. He'd definitely tried to reciprocate Rin's feelings, but what couldn't work wasn't going to work. He couldn't force out any romantic feelings for Rin, although he had tried. Just like he couldn't force these feelings for Sakura to stop, as much as he tried.

As Sasuke and Naruto left to battle, he'd stared at Sakura tenderly, for that moment too tired to move her yet. The Sage of Six Paths was near him, engaging him in a conversation, but to be honest he was only giving his replies half-heartedly. The other half of him was wondering why he had such uncharacteristic rage for Sasuke, and why looking at Sakura in the state she was in pained him so. He couldn't have stopped his thumb running over her face even if he tried; to make sure she was there, still alive and breathing and okay. If the Sage of Six Paths had noticed his tender gesture, he never mentioned it.

Later when he had moved her to rest against a boulder and kept watch over her while the two boys still battled on, he felt a slow but unrelenting surge of panic creeping up on him, as he came to the realization that these feelings he held for the pink-haired medic might just be love.

Even though Kakashi had never been in love with any woman all his life, he was still genius enough to realize it for what it was when it hit. After all, how else could he explain how he had been so drawn to her presence throughout the War, how his eyes always gravitated to where she was to make sure she was safe, how he always ended up going to save her to make sure nothing happened to her? Thinking back, he knew that on many of these occasions, he needn't have rushed in to save her. Sakura was a competent shinobi and no doubt would have come up with something to defend herself if he hadn't gotten to her, but he could not risk it. He would not risk it.

Seeing her rouse from unconsciousness had him breathing a sigh of relief he didn't know was otherwise choking him up. From that point on, he knew that he saw her in a different light. No one else had ever worried him like she did. Things would never be the same between them again. That is, on his end of course. He would keep it to himself, as usual.

/

Her wedding day had been one of the worst days in his existence. It joined the ranks of the days of the past where his treasured family and comrades had left him all alone in this cruel world.

Till that day, Kakashi never knew he could experience so much emotion from both ends of the spectrum all at once, hard, fast, crushing. In all honesty he never knew he was even capable of feeling so much emotion - whatever kind it was. He had always thought himself lackadaisical, and nothing much could have perturbed him.

But in that moment, all at once, he was crushed, miserable, depressed and every other synonym remotely related to sad.

Yet he couldn't deny a part (or maybe half) of him had been dazzled by the brilliant, million-watt smile on her face that dilated her pupils and brought a heavenly flush to her sweet face.

And then the depressing thoughts threatened to crush him once again when he realized that she had never smiled at him like that before. Not once, and probably never will now that her long-time childhood dream of marrying Sasuke had come true.

Those crushing feelings manifested as a large kunai-sized lump in his throat, making it hard for him to swallow. Yet at the same time he couldn't look away. His eyes followed Sakura as she and Sasuke walked down the aisle, and he admired her in her long, red and heavy Uchikake wedding Kimono, patterned with cranes, sakura flowers and coloured roses.

It was the most riveting scene he ever had the pleasure of witnessing in his life. But it would also be her last time in a long-sleeved Kimono. And it hadn't been him who had the honour of being responsible for that important phase of transition in her life.

He swallowed as Sakura and Sasuke completed the length of the aisle, and were now going around greeting guests. He wanted to flee. Even with his mask on, he fought to steel his expression as he had no idea what had been painted on his features at that moment.

The inevitable moment came, and the newly-wedded couple walked up to their former sensei, Sasuke with a barely-formed smile on his face while Sakura still had her million-watt smile on her face, eyes shining like the moon on a dark night. It was almost too much to bear. Clearing away the lump in his throat, he dished out the mandatory compliments to the couple.

"Sasuke, Sakura, congratulations on your marriage." He nodded to them with an eye-crease that took ten times the usual effort.

"Thank you Sensei!" Sakura practically beamed at him before giving him a hug. "Thank you for everything, and thanks for coming even though I know you hate big celebrations like this!"

It must have been hell on earth, surely.

The areas on his body she came into contact with as she had hugged him burned stronger than the sake he had downed that night, one cup after another and then some.

That night as he stumbled home, crashing and tumbling down on his doorstep the moment the door fell open, he decided he would be taking up the next unranked mission that came along to get the hell out of Konoha and away from those lucid green eyes that he was fairly certain would now haunt him for the rest of the days of his life.

/

Another day that rivalled some of his worst came when the news of Sakura's pregnancy reached him. The hell? It hadn't even been that long since they were married. The news had reached him late, through Naruto and because he had only just gotten back from his latest S-ranked mission in Sand.

Like all his emotions concerning Sakura as of late, it was complicated. On one hand he was truly happy for her - no doubt she had wanted a child, and Sasuke's child no less. If she was smiling and happy, then his pain would be slightly easier to bear. On the other hand, he couldn't help but feel upset. Feeling upset was putting it mildly, but he decided there were no other words that could possibly encompass what he felt about Sakura having a child that wasn't his. He didn't even know where these territorial thoughts were coming from. Not like it mattered anyway, because Sakura was happily married to Sasuke and expecting his child, and Kakashi was just an ex-sensei with unrequited feelings no one else would ever know about.

Sake accompanied him again through that lonely night, nowadays more often than not, and he wondered in vain what he had done wrong in this life or perhaps his previous life to be saddled with the weight of his current state.

/

"Tsunade-sama, my mission report. And I'm here for my next mission." Kakashi drawled, placing his report on the Hokage's table after a deep bow.

"Very good, Kakashi. Are you sure you don't need a few more days off? You look like shit." Tsunade sniffed, taking in Kakashi's slightly haggard appearance and dark eye circles.

"I'm good, Tsunade-sama. Probably just not as young as before if all my late nights are now showing physically." Kakashi gave Tsunade an eye crinkle, hoping to pacify her enough such that she'd give him the longest, furthest and most dangerous unranked mission that Konoha currently had to offer.

"Okay, since you won't take anything below A-ranked, I have an S-ranked mission here for you. It's simple enough really, it's only ranked S because we can only afford to send 1 instead of 3 shinobi out now that Konoha needs all the manpower it can get for the rebuilding and logistics. But I know you're more than capable to handle it, Kakashi" Tsunade said in a more business-like tone than before.

"Of course, Tsunade-sama. I'll report back to you when I'm back." Kakashi accepted the mission scroll Tsunade handed out, and gave another deep bow before exiting.

Anticipation squirmed in his stomach. _Maybe this time, maybe._

 _/_

Kakashi was outnumbered 5 to 1. But it was nothing he couldn't handle. Judging based on their chakra signatures, only 1 of the rogue nins were anywhere near Jounin level. The rest were merely small threats.

He no longer had Obito's Sharingan, but long before he ever obtained it, he had already been one of the stronger shinobi even at his tender age. With speed quicker than some of the less skilled rouge nins could follow, Kakashi made hand signs for a fire jutsu and blew it towards the 3 that stood nearest to him. 1 lept away and the other 2 who were too slow got caught it in, slowly burning to their deaths.

Kakashi watched for a moment before turning his attention back to the remaining 3. The Jounin-level rouge nin seemed content to just watch Kakashi as he battled on, as if sizing him up and deciding if he should remain to fight or turn tail to escape if things went down south.

Kakashi might have been somewhat on a deathwish recently after realizing his crushing feelings for Sakura and how he would never be able to act on them, but his duty and loyalty to Konoha would always remain as it was - strong and undeniable. No way in hell would he allow any of these rouge nin to escape and jeopardize the peace that the hidden villages had fought so hard to achieve.

Gathering chakra to his hand in his signature move, the air suddenly cackled with the sounds of a thousand birds calling. Kakashi decided to go for the big fish first, and the small fry he would deal with later. He charged, easily dodging the shuriken and kunai thrown by the 2 other lower level rouge nins, heading straight for the Jounin-level nin.

The Jounin-level nin made quick hand seals of his own before slamming his hands onto the ground, causing a thick wall of earth to rise between him and Kakashi, moments before the chidori slashed effortlessly through the mud wall. This gave the rouge nin enough time to leap away and form hand seals for his next jutsu, also an earth-based jutsu which Kakashi noticed.

More minutes passed like this, with Kakashi battling the jounin-level rouge nin and evading attacks from the lower level nins. The chance presented itself and Kakashi eliminated one of the lower levels nins, with that just leaving 2 enemy nins for him to deal with. Already he was starting to feel the disappointment of yet again having less than worthy opponents. Opponents that hardly posed a threat. Opponents that he could easily eliminate. And if he was being completely truthful - opponents that would once again fail to kill him.

Yet again, Kakashi found himself conflicted over two sides of the same coin. He did that alot these days, didn't he? On one hand he felt ashamed and a coward for wanting to end his pain in this manner. On the other hand, he argued that he couldn't care less anymore. So many people he cared for had gone on before him, one too many a war he had lived through, and the one woman he had ever come to love was married to a cold and unfeeling man.

Everyone was happy and had a rightful place to be in. Naruto was set to be next Hokage, and even that idiot had found love with Hinata. Sakura needless to say was happily married to Sasuke, and all his other acquaintances were busy with their jobs and lives. Where did that leave him? Where did he fit in?

In the light of the day it was easy to swallow down, but in the dark of the night the loneliness and guilt of outsurviving so many of his peers when the life he lived was as aimless as his crushed him. He felt like he wasn't worth anything to still be living.

The momentary slip in his focus allowed a senbon from the low-level nin to pierce Kakashi's thigh, but he merely pulled it out and continued forming hand seals for a water-based jutsu now that they were on the outskirts of the thick forest next to a lake. The Jounin-level rouge nin was already panting with chakra exhaustion and holding his bleeding chest where Kakashi's kunai found itself embedded. Kakashi knew this water-based jutsu would end the fight.

Sure enough, the water dragon swept through the remaining 2 enemy nin ferociously, dragging both of them down into the depths of the watery lake. Kakashi was panting heavily now, and not from exhaustion. Rather belatedly, he realized that the senbon the low-level nin threw at him while he lost focus momentarily was probably poisoned.

Silently, he cursed as his vision began to blur. Where was Sakura when he needed her? He dropped to his knees as his strength waned, but he still managed to scoff at himself. He couldn't escape his thoughts of her, not even when he was practically dying on a solo mission with no back-up. But he needed to do one last thing before he gave in to the sweet temptation of a clear mind for once - the mission was not complete yet. Drawing his last bit of strength he had, he lifted his finger and bit hard, drawing blood for the summoning jutsu.

"Pakkun," Kakashi managed to breathe out.

"Boss!" Pakkun's droopy eyes widened in fear at the state of its owner.

"Bring this… back to… Konoha" In Kakashi's other hand lay a scroll, which Pakkun quickly took in his mouth.

"Boss! I'll be back real quick with reinforcements! Hang on Boss!" Pakkun barked as he ran away towards Konoha.

Kakashi's physical strength finally gave out, and he fell to the ground, no longer panting hard but breathing so slowly as his vision went hazy. His body burned, but inwardly he thought that it still didn't burn as much as when Sakura had hugged him on her wedding day. Sakura, Sakura, Sakura…

These days, whenever he had a moment to himself, she was all Kakashi could think about. He hated it and wanted it to stop. She would never be his. Now here at death's door, Kakashi realized that all he wanted, all he needed, was to see her just one more time before he succumbed. He never wanted anything this badly. Perhaps, in another life…

"Sakura…" Kakashi breathed out as his eyes finally snapped close.

/

He heard murmuring and the quiet hum of a machine in the background. His mind was hazy, and his body felt like someone had him trapped under a rock, like Obito had been. A few more minutes passed before he made an attempt to stir, wondering if this was what hell felt like.

"Sensei"

 _Oh no. Oh no no no._

He'd recognize that voice anywhere. Why was she in hell with him? Unless he didn't die.

 _No, no no no._

"Sensei, can you hear me?" Sakura asked softly, putting her hand on Kakashi's shoulder and applying light pressure.

His shoulder burned from her touch.

It almost hurt more than it did on her wedding day.


End file.
